Mr president, another person has gone outside. That makes four this week. I know that it is against the constitution of our awesome country to deny people doors, but they were never intended to use them.
We can’t outlaw glass doors because the glass lobby is too strong. Have you seen their representative? He can lift like 700 pounds.
Ask them nicely to come back inside? Do you really think that might work? Besides how are we supposed to communicate with them. Most outsiders have thrown away their walkie talkies and cell reception gets terrible if you get too far from civilization. Surely you wouldn’t consider requiring someone to go outside?
Oh you are thinking volunteers? But who would volunteer for that job? You’ve already gotten six applicants? That doesn’t make any sense. Wait, I signed up for this? Oh hell no I didn’t!
Have I just been defenestrated out the presidential window? I think I have. Crap. I am outside. This is not good. Also I am falling. That also doesn’t seem very good. I’m really more worried about the being outside thing though.
Ten years later…
Sign: Welcome to Windownia. Population? Yes.
Voice over: Windownia – defenestrating our presidents since 1987. If that sounds dirty to you, the president was also chewing gum. Which president? All of them!